This interview is for "Hailing Hellions," a Q&A series where I interview sex workers (or ex-sex workers) who have modeled for me and my Sex Positivity* book project. Today's guest is Tate (Cum Baby 98)! This is the SFW version; click here for the SFW-version interview compendium!
*The longer title being Sex Positivity versus Sex Coercion, or Gothic Communism: Liberating Sex Work under Capitalism through Iconoclastic Art (2023). Part of an overarching movement that connects sex positivity to what I call "Gothic (gay-anarcho) Communism," Sex Positivity essentially provides a hybrid; i.e., one established between academic (Gothic, queer, game and Marxist) theories, and wherein applied theory towards universal liberation is achieved by challenging Capitalist Realism (the inability to imagine a world beyond Capitalism) at a grassroots level. To it, Gothic Communism specifically occurs through direct mutual worker action and informed intersectional solidarity relayed through Gothic poetics: BDSM, monsters, and kink, but specifically what I call "ludo-Gothic BDSM."
If you're curious about the book and want to know more, the first four volumes (and additional information) are available for free (the series is non-profit) on my website's 1-page promo (a copy-paste for said promo is available on this blog and provides the same information, except it features SFW images to account for Blogger's automated censorship).
General CW: BDSM, Gothic content and theatrics (e.g., rape play and death theatre), as well as sex worker abuse and bigotry of various kinds (variable per interview).
Specific CW: furry panic
Note: All images are of the model or myself unless otherwise stated.
About the series: Like the book series it attaches to, "Hailing Hellions" aims to educate and critique; i.e., by raising awareness towards sex worker rights, but also gender-non-conformity through Gothic counterculture. This extends to gender identity (e.g., trans, enby or intersex) but also orientation and performance; i.e., BDSM and sex positivity through various Gothic theatrical roles that invite things beyond vanilla, heteronormative (thus conservative, reactionary and harmful) sexuality. I would consider this to be things like mommy dommes and consent-non-consent, breeding fantasies and heavy metal (e.g., Satanic material and the Gothic at large). Also, these questions are broader insofar as they cover wide praxial/poetic ideas and concepts. Regarding these, the opinions of the subject and myself are not identical, but often overlap through us collaborating together to raise awareness.
About the interviewee: Tate (Cum Baby 98) is someone I've worked with before; re: by drawing them as a space Medusa for "Seeing Dead People" in my Undead Module (below)! They are currently on hiatus in terms of sex work, but still agreed to give this interview!
(exhibit 42f2: Model and artist, top-left: XCumBaby98 and Persephone van der Waard. Cum Baby is a trans man, pronouns: he/him, and both the drawing and this overall exhibit were designed according to how he wanted to be represented/depicted. I decided to draw him as a trans variant of the Medusa, modeled somewhat after Shodan from System Shock but set within Ridley Scott's Nostromo from Alien. The cryptomimesis affords a queer communication/reclamation of power using ambiguous, transgressive language inside a liminal space: see me, stand in my shoes. Thus do we fags feed as ghosts do; i.e., to throw you off-balance, but with our booties and Numinous affect help put you "on the scent" of new tremendous mysteries leading away from state forms/turns of the screw!)
0. Persephone: Hi, everyone! My name is Persephone van der Waard. I'm a trans-woman erotic artist, sex worker, writer/author and researcher who specializes in cross-media studies; i.e., I have my independent PhD in Gothic poetics and ludo-Gothic BDSM(focusing on partially on Metroidvania).
Tate, could you introduce yourself and share a little about yourself with our audience?
Tate: Hello, happy to be doing this interview, my name is "Tate." I've been doing adult content creation for 5 years now. It is not something that I'll do forever, but I enjoy it as of right now.
1. Persephone: This book project views sex positivity as a liberating act. What does sex positivity mean to you? Illustrating mutual consent; i.e., can porn illustrate mutual consent when sex workers are constantly dehumanized by the profit motive and the status quo?
Tate: For me, being sex-positive means encouraging people not to see sex as something taboo or wrong, but as an act that can be fun/intimate with your romantic or sex partner. I do think that porn, like anything can have its dark side, but once it's mutually consensual, by all means, let there be fun! What is very interesting is that porn is mostly targeted at cis men, and they love to consume porn but hate when people (especially cis women) make money off of it. It moves from "Oof she's so sexy in those videos" to "ew she's selling her body? What a slut."
2. Persephone: In your mind, what is the biggest struggle facing sex workers today?
Tate: I think that the biggest struggle facing sex workers today is the stigma and discrimination of the job type. Mostly discrimination for non-cis men. I have seen so many women promoting their adult work on social media, and the comments are full of "whoa, her dad must be proud of her". But a man posts, promoting his adult content, and everyone is asking where they can see more of him. Also, I think that many think you can get rich/make bank off of this job, but that's sadly not the case. Maybe 1-2% make a livable salary, while the rest of us make pocket money.
3. Persephone: How do you feel about sex work being work, thus paying sex workers for their labor? This can be unions, but also their representations in media at large.
Tate: I think, as I mentioned before, people don't see sex work as "work" because it's seen as something only immoral people do. In that regard, it'll be difficult to have the same rights as vanilla jobs. I do believe that anything that pays the bills is work (once you're not stealing of course). Many people, especially those who make salary money off sex work actually pay taxes, and if that's not the definition of a job, then I don't know what is.
4. Persephone: What are your thoughts on Communism vs Capitalism using Gothic poetics? Can monsters be gay Commies?
Tate: Haha, I can't say that I have ever thought of this in particular before. From what little I do know about it, I'd say that gothic literature has definitely become more widespread due to it being promoted more (capitalism), but I really am not educated on this topic.
5a. Persephone: What drew you to the project/interested you in working on it together with me?
Tate: As someone who already works in the adult industry, I was interested in giving my views, and also learning some more on gothic literature.
5b. Persephone: How has that experience been for you? Can you describe it a little?
Tate: The experience has been great so far. I am definitely learning a bit more on gothic things.
6. Persephone: If you feel comfortable talking about it, can you talk about being GNC? What does that mean to you?
Tate: Yes, sure. I typically don't refer to myself as being "GNC" as I identify more along the binary lines. Both my gender expression as well as my gender identity are both binary male. I may dress androgynously from time to time, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I am GNC.
7. Persephone: What do you enjoy most about sex work? What got you started in it?
Tate: I'd say knowing that people get off to me is really sexy, as I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist. I don't recall what exactly got me into it but I did want to make a bit of money, and then there was the exhibitionist side of it too.
8. Persephone: Do you have a favorite piece of sex work that you've done, in terms of custom material?
Tate: Hmm, that's a great question. I don't often get custom orders, but in general, I'd say knowing that someone wishes to support me beyond my monthly subscription on OnlyFans/Fansly is nice.
9. Persephone: Do your friends and family know about the work that you do? How do you talk about it with other people who aren't sex workers; i.e., how do you communicate sex worker rights to non sex workers?
Tate: I've told my sisters about it, but I don't feel comfortable telling my parents as yet. They will say that I'm an adult and I can do as I wish, but I think they'd be concerned about my boss finding it and telling me "Whatever you post stays on the Internet forever." Close friends do know about it though. Talking about this with people who are also in the industry is very easy. With people who don't do it, but are still respectful of it, it's also easy.
10. Persephone: What are you thoughts on TERFs in sex work; i.e., those who devalue GNC minorities (and other marginalized groups) in the same profession?
Tate: Uh jeez, don't get me started. I hate TERFs on the whole. Or anyone who is transphobic. What is interesting is that cis women in sex work get hate by cis men are some of the same ones who turn around and hate on trans women who do the same.
11. Persephone: How do you feel about billionaires? Israel and Palestine?
Tate: I think billionaires should not exist. What do you mean we have millions of impoverished people, homeless people, and there are maybe a dozen or so people with so much money that they don't know what to do with it? I don't believe in giving away all of your money as that one guy did in the Bible, but as the old saying goes "Sharing is caring." Too many poor people to have this much dare I say it, wasted/excessive wealth.
I am pro-Palestine. The ongoing war is a perfect example of "hitting your enemy when they are down on their knees, defenseless." I understand the need to not want to get your people whipped out, but if that's what it takes to be Semitic, then call me "antisemitic." To be clear, I do NOT hate Jews, I just hate terrorism, and that's exactly what this is: unprecedented, unnecessary suffering.
12a. Persephone: What are some of your favorite GNC pieces of media (e.g., I love Sense8 and Heartbreak High)? Do you have any GNC role models?
Tate: My favorite GNC pieces of media would also be Sense8, and also She-Ra, Heartbreaker, Euphoria, and maybe a few more that I cannot recall right now. The first GNC role model that comes up for me is probably Hunter Schafer, and many of my mutuals on Twitter who also do adult content.
12b. Persephone: To that, GNC people often find their families outside of their birth families; did you have to go elsewhere for that, or is your family relatively understanding of your queerness?
Tate: My family, thankfully, understands my queerness. First and foremost, my gender identity comes before my sexuality. But yes, my family calls me by my name and pronouns. I do have family outside of my nuclear family, and they are great. I don't have many friends, but the ones that I do have are accepting of me (lol, if they weren't I'd drop them).
13. Persephone: What about sex workers? Do you have anyone you look up to in particular?
Tate: The first ones that come to mind are NoahWayBabe, Joey (jealousjoey444), Adam (adamcyrus5), and many more. I actually have a list, but it's like 15 or so trans guys on the list. I mostly thirst for them, and also just wish to achieve their level of success with sex work as well.
14. Persephone: There's often a strong theatrical component to sex work and BDSM; i.e., costumes, gender roles, aesthetics of power and death, music, and makeup. How do these things intersect for you, and do they cross over into real life for you? For example, do you find yourself wearing similar clothing and expressing yourself sex-positively when you're not on the clock?
Tate: For me, personally, I don't wear similar clothing, but in words, I do strongly defend sex-positive things. I.e., I won't necessarily take the theatrical component of sex work/BDSM like costumes outside of my bedroom, but if someone brought up sex work, I'd of course say that I think it's a real job, and shouldn't be looked down upon.
15. Persephone: There's often an animal component to sexuality and gender expression, helping workers establish close bonds with each other and nature; i.e., furries, but also therians and various kinks; e.g., puppy play. How do you feel about these things, be they for work, pleasure, or both?
Tate: To each their own, but I don't delve into that world. Typically, it seems almost like someone is suggesting that they're an animal and are sexualizing themselves when they represent as an animal*. I don't see anything wrong with furries or puppy play, but [prefer where] someone isn't dressing up/acting like an actual animal in a sexually suggestive way. Either way, it is their business. To be clear, I don't have a problem with these identities, as long as it doesn't feed into bestiality.
*To which I would have to respond—and please bear with me, as this touches on my research and friends of mine, including my partners and metamours—but many of the stereotypes against furries stem from how they are stigmatized in society from people (who aren't furries) profiting off demonizing them; e.g., Turkey Tom's Degenerate series (a fascist dogwhistle scapegoating minorities) attacking furries and calling them sex pests in the broadest possible brush; i.e., clumping innocent parties together with bad actors while saying in the same breath, "don't attack these people" (for plausible deniability), then shamelessly monetizing it regardless—all despite Turkey Tom being a Zionist (Noah Samsen's "The YouTubers Who Backed a Genocide") but also unapologetic racist and gun nut (more details about his social group can be found in "Furry Panic"):
(artist: Rusty Cage, 2022)
Furry panic generally sees furries in a similar dark monolithic light to homosexual men of the Western past (and present)—as abject practitioners of "sodomy" who threaten the nuclear model by having non-PIV sex under the (neo-)medieval persecution umbrella alongside blood libel, Orientalism and witchcraft; i.e., anything from corrupting maidens and kidnapping children (men in women's spaces) to eating babies and drinking their blood to pedophilia and out-and-out rape accusations. So while there are sex pests in minority groups, there are sex pests in any group. Except, the status quo scapegoats its own in-group crimes through these outlier examples by demonizing entire minority groups, cop/victim-style; i.e., despite most furries being anything but dangerous; re (from the Demon Module):
most furries aren't sex criminals any more than most queer people, non-Christians, non-white people, and/or demons are; they're a fandom that, according to Fur Science, runs countercurrent to "the very stereotypes that portray [them] as being simply a fetish, the most-cited drawn to the furry fandom is its sense of belongingness, recreation, and escape from the mundaneness of daily life, as well as its appreciation of anthropomorphic art and stories" (source: "What's a Furry?" 2022). [...] As we keep exploring furries—i.e., as things to investigate as/with—recall that white moderates are Nazis with more masks (concentric veneers being something we'll return to, in Volume Three); e.g., Turkey Tom effectively operating as an open-to-cloaked racist in ways people more broadly forget because of the confusion outlined above (re: D'Angelo Wallace's "I'm Not Sorry" calling Turkey Tom out, back in 2019). It's a war of endurance, our darkness visible versus theirs during a, suitably enough, Miltonic war of angels and demons, but also furries and dark xenophilia. Nazis and Communists occupy that self-same space, too!
To it, furries are scapegoats in ways that play out very similarly to the events described above; i.e., pimp and police them in ways white moderates (and their reactionary brethren) love to do: a harvest to dehumanize and treat strictly as criminal and nothing else; re: Turkey Tom's "degenerate" series being a massive dogwhistle several steps removed from him and his own racism. But function betrays any aesthetic; i.e., if someone has Nazi friends in their orbit/wheelhouse, they're a Nazi by association because that's how fascism works.
Every witch hunt has a hunter to either apologize for or upend by viewing the oppressed in a better light. To it, associate professor Sharon E. Roberts tries to undo these dangerous (and deliberate, profitable) misconceptions about "furry panic" by writing in "What are 'furries?'":
Furries are people who have an interest in anthropomorphism, which specifically refers to giving human characteristics to animals. In its most distilled form, furries are a group of people who formed a community—or fandom—because they have a common interest in anthropomorphic media, friendships and social inclusion. […] Furries don't identify as animals; they identify with animals. In the same way that cosplayers typically don't believe they are actually Spiderman, furries don't think they are their fursonas (source).
In other words, furries are not an illness or inherently criminal institution; they're a small minority group (about 1.4-2.8 million, worldwide, International Furry Survey: Summer 2011); i.e., like the queer community is, thus targeted by reactionaries and white moderates/tokens during moral panics made to defend capital as always in crisis (to enforce and motivate profit through manufactured scarcity).
So just as LGBTQ people tend to receive violence (UCLA William Institute, 2021), furries are far more likely to have crimes committed against them by hate groups (whose own activities either go unreported or are protected by those in power acting in bad faith; re: Turkey Tom); i.e., are more likey to experience police abuse than they are to actually "do a crime," themselves ("Furry-tales: The organized hate effort against LGBTQ+ young people," 2021) [source: "Furry Panic"].
In short, it's incredibly common to say, "I'm ok with them as long as they don't fuck animals" (regardless of how you say it). And while technically valid, doesn't that go for any group under the sun? Regardless, furries tend to be associated with bestiality and then vocally accused of it by association as arbitrated through gossip and police mentalities keeping an eye on them for "being suspicious"; i.e., similar to Indigenous/GNC people (who tend to identify with animals and be openly sexual in ways Western people aren't), persons of color and/or Muslims being framed as alien invaders and weak/strong chattel-vermin without any rights to speak of; e.g., my partner Bay is a "therian" (a person who empathizes with animals as if they're people) and Māori, but also disabled/a furry. I wouldn't recommend walking up to them and saying "I'm ok with Māori people, as long as they [and their culture] don't feed into bestiality." But also, I wouldn't recommend such speech in private, either. The point being, most people talking about bestiality as an accusation (directed at anyone or not) likewise aren't able to separate non-harmful theatrical activities like puppy play (above) from bestiality as a harmful act; i.e., not just yucking someone's yum, but viewing (thus treating it) as something it isn't; re: BDSM isn't automatically sexual anymore than public nudism is, and adults dressing up as animals to do BDSM—regardless if it is sexual or not—isn't bestiality unless it involves animals who can't consent (meaning anything other than adult cognizant humans: two [or more] consenting adults). To conclude, suspicion is taught, and it's important to be aware of double standards and microaggressions, regardless of intent.
Tate: [To clarify,] I fully support the furry community and believe that people should be free to explore their identities and interests without judgment. The furry fandom is about self-expression, creativity, and belonging, and it’s important to respect people’s choices and personal boundaries.
Persephone: No problem; thank you for clarifying!
16. Persephone: Sex workers are generally treated as monsters to harm and exploit under capital. Do you have a preferred way of expressing the humanity of sex workers, be that simply stating it or through the work that you do, art, or some combination, etc?
Tate: I think that there are so many professions that are exploited under capitalism, but with sex work, it's not just exploited under capitalism, but also just seen as monsters. I can't say that I have a preferred way of expressing the humanity of sex workers in terms of art. What I can say is that I am very vocal about advocating for rights/the bare minimum of respect for sex workers.
17. Persephone: Do you have a particular aspect of liberation you like to focus on, e.g., fat liberation or decriminalizing sex work? To that, what's the difference between positive thinking and liberation in your eyes?
Tate: I guess one of the particular aspects of liberation that I'd like to focus on would be decriminalizing sex work. I don't do sex work, I do sex content (semantics, one can argue, but they are not the same). Anyway, the major difference between positive thinking liberation in my eyes is that the first one is more surface level, just thoughts, while the other one is actually the one that makes the difference (maybe with lawmakers or new policies).
18a. Persephone: How do you feel about BDSM and using calculated risk to confront and heal from trauma? I.e., using collars or whips to experience pain or control as pleasurable, not harmful (I love collars, for instance).
Tate: I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. How his girlfriend had sexual trauma from a previous relationship and how she tends to use sex to gain back control of something that was the exact opposite. I don't quite think it's BDSM, but yeah.
18b. Persephone: Was there ever a moment where you were on the fence about BDSM or sex work/in the closet, but something happened that changed everything? I.e., was it gradual or more a singular event that motivated you to change; or, were you always kind of out (for me, I decided to change after several bad exes, but also watching Stranger Things, and relating to Max's brush with Vecna in a GNC way)?
Tate: I think every now and then I think about quitting sex content. I know that it isn't a get rich quick scheme, but I get disheartened every now and then when it feels like I'm putting in so much effort to not even make triple digits a month. What helps is knowing that some day I'll have a job-job, but for now living with my parents who are able to support me financially does help. I think that when I get too busy and end up making good money, it isn't something I'd do/do as often anymore. It's just about how much time I'll have, and if I think I want to do it. Whenever I get a family, also I probably won't be doing it anymore. But I think I have always been secretly into people enjoying me get all hot and bothered, and thinking of people jerking to me is very sexy.
19. Persephone: Does expressing yourself in a dehumanized BDSM position (e.g., CNC or living latex, etc) or state of existence speak to your humanity as something to value?
Tate: Well since I don't do BDSM content, I am unsure how to go about answering this particular question. Apologies. I am also very softcore BDSM.
20. Persephone: What got you interested in BDSM? Do you have a preference in terms of what you give or receive?
Tate: For BDSM, I'd say that I enjoy very soft milder forms such as mild choking, being tied up and making spanking. I do love spanking. As a versatile person, I get pleasure from both receiving and giving pleasure.
21. Persephone: In your mind, is BDSM inherently sexual? If so or if not, can you explain why?
Tate: I think BDSM quite literally is the opposite of vanilla sex, but technically speaking, you can have those bedroom dynamics even outside of the bedroom as well. You can have a dominant and a submissive. That can play out in real life in the way the couple handles non sexual activities. Maybe paying for things or opening the door etc.
22. Persephone: Does BDSM inform the sex work that you do in an educational or therapeutic way?
Tate: Well as someone who doesn't really so much BDSM in their content, I'd have to say no.
23. Persephone: In terms of calculated risk, how does it feel to surrender some degree of power in a scenario where you can't actually be harmed? Or vice versa, if you have more power? Do you have a preference, and if so, why?
Tate: I have not engaged in hardcore sex, but I have thought about it before and how that dynamic would play out. I think being in control but also being submissive would feel absolutely amazing, for lack of a better word. I think when it comes to BDSM I'd probably prefer the submissive role as with hardcore sex, I simply cannot imagine myself as the dominant. I'd gladly dom in a more vanilla sex encounter, though.
24. Persephone: If you feel comfortable answering, can theatrical disempowerment feel healing or therapeutic to you in regards to real trauma?
Tate: I do think that using BDSM or sex in general as a way to ease personal trauma is very likely.
25. Persephone: What's the most stressful thing about sex work? The most liberating?
Tate: I'd say the most stressful thing is having to come up with ideas for daily posts. I never used to post daily, but now I do, and I find that being that active helps with pushing my content in the algorithm. In general, just managing your own social media platforms can be stressful. The most liberating is probably that you don't have a boss/someone to tell you when to post/what to post.
26. Persephone: What are the benefits to doing sex work in today's day an age versus in the past? What do you think needs to improve; e.g., open reactionary bigots versus moderate SWERFs posturing as feminists speaking for all groups?
Tate: In today's age, because everything has gone digital globally speaking, sex work is easier because we can make money from the comfort/safety of our bedrooms. Of course many people still do irl sex work where they meet up with clients for sex, but as someone who believes in stranger danger, I'd feel more comfortable doing my sex work from the safety of my room.
27a. Persephone: What are your favorite monsters (i.e., undead, demons, and or anthromorphs) and why?
Tate: Hmm, that's a great question! I'd say I really love vampires (idk if those count). Werewolves are also very cool.
27b. Persephone: Media-wise, do you like to read, watch movies, and or play videogames just for fun, but also to gather ideas about gender-non-conformity expression, BDSM and other sex-positive devices?
Tate: As of right now I think I prefer reading over the latter two. Specifically when it comes to sexual-based content. I am not going to lie, I have both written and read a lot of smut in my life. I have not really consumed a lot of videogame and movies that were sex-based. Or maybe I have, just very mild content.
28. Persephone: What are your thoughts on sex/porn and art, business and pleasure? I like to mix them to form healthier boundaries established between workers; how do you feel about this?
Tate: I think art in its purest form is without boundary (once it's legal/harmless of course). Nudity does not inherently mean sexual, especially when it comes to artwork. A naked body is art in and of itself. Sex is a mere act that naked bodies engage in. Sex can be art, it can be intimate, for business or pure pleasure.
29. Persephone: Per my arguments, Capitalism sexualizes and fetishizes all workers to serve profit, leading to genocide. Keeping that in mind, what is the best way to achieve intersectional solidarity using Gothic poetics?
Tate: I think that intersectional solidarity can be achieved by using gothic poetics because there is a gothic preoccupation with death, and those lost to genocide can be represented by these gothic poems.
30. Persephone: Can you describe your own struggles with achieving liberation/humanization as a GNC sex worker?
Tate: As someone who makes sex content, I'd say that my biggest struggles involve the financial aspect (or lack thereof), where I don't make as much as I'd like, or even enough of a bare minimum salary job would make. There's also the aspect of people who only like women engaging with my content and that feels invalidating at least and fetishizing at most. Especially when those followers are cis het chasers. I mean not sure how I "achieve" liberation per se with regard to these two struggles that I've mentioned.
31. Persephone: I view sex work as an important means of de facto (extracurricular) education, i.e., entertainment, but also a means of humanizing people within the practice at large. How do you feel about this? Can we learn from art and porn as a means of humanizing marginalized groups?
Tate: I definitely think that we can learn from art/porn as a means of humanizing marginalized people. I don't quite see how sex work works as a means of education per se, but I'm not arguing against that sentiment. However, I think by humanizing pornography and sex work, we are along the right path, seeing as so many people dehumanize those who do porn, particularly cis women. Cis men tend to almost get praised for doing it.
32. Persephone: I value establishing mutual trust, healthy communication, and boundary formation/negotiation and respect, seeing them to be the most vital qualities in any relationship. Do you agree, and if so, why?
Tate: Oh, I agree 100%. Apart from meshing with that person's personality and finding them attractive, a romantic partner needs to know how to communicate, be honest, and respectful. It may sound cliché, but I'd rather this be 50/50 than feeling like I'm putting in all the effort. The top of my list of requirements in a romantic partner is definitely communication. I don't mean texting non-stop like love birds throughout the day, but if something is wrong, I'd like them to inform me. Maybe it may be hard to discuss everything at once, but I'd appreciate them saying "hey babe, I can't talk rn because mentally I'm out of it", than leave me ghosted for days on end. If something is wrong, say so.
33. Persephone: How do you orient and what are your thoughts on polyamory insofar as it affects your work? For the layperson/uninitiated, how would you describe the difference between a fuck buddy/FWB and other more casual relationships versus serious ones? Can people be friends and still have sex in a casual manner? What is the most valuable aspect of a friendship regardless if sex is a part of the equation or not?
Tate: I identify as a bisexual man. I think once everyone involved knows about the situation and agrees to it, sure it's fine, otherwise it is cheating. If I happened to get into a relationship with someone who is on the asexual spectrum and doesn't fancy sex much, I'd see if we can work out some kind of open relationship where I can find sex elsewhere, but strictly sex, no other romantic partners. I'd be down for sexual partners outside of my current relationship, but no romance. I think the right partner would not have any qualms about me pursuing this as a side hustle, if they did, I don't need them. When I sext with my clients, it's strictly work and a loving parter should understand that. For me, a fuck buddy is most likely a friend whom who share sexual experiences with, but no romantic feelings (a "sitautinship" is what they seem to call it these days), while a serious relationship is where you have more romantic feelings present and possibly think about marriage (if that's what the people in the relationship want). For me, I don't first think of sex in a friendship, maybe a relationships yes, but friendship is first and and foremost having mutual views/likes and we get to chat on a regular basis, and hang out if we live close enough.
34. Persephone: If you have a partner, do they know about the work that you do? How comfortable are they with it?
Tate: I'm single right now, but my last girlfriend knew about it. If I can remember correctly, I started it a few months after we had been together so she was there from the start. She helped me film/record, so she was very cool with it. Even offering suggestions for poses/content to post.
35. Persephone: How did you and your partner meet? What do you think makes an ideal partner?
Tate: I am single right now. But an ideal partner for me is someone whom I can talk about anything with. Interestingly enough, my last relationship was an ideal partner, but it only ended due to her mental health. We joked and teased each other about a cute guy/girl around us as we are both bisexual. Things were very lighthearted and not taken awfully seriously. So an ideal partner is someone who can communicate well, is loyal, funny and of course understands/respects my gender identity.
36. Persephone: What advice would you give incels, nice guys and other cis-het men (or token groups; e.g., TERFs and cis-queer tokens, etc) displaying bigoted attitudes towards women and other marginalized groups?
Tate: Oof, not going to lie, this is a tough one because sometimes people just don't change, even with education. I guess I'd ask them how would they feel if they were in our boots. Even then, I'm not sure that would affect them much because of how deep-rooted their bigotry might be.
37. Persephone: Likewise, what advice would you give to more privileged groups that need to understand the value of listening to those more oppressed than them in a larger struggle for liberation?
Tate: I'd say that equal rights doesn't mean less rights for you or something along those lines.
38. Persephone: What are your thoughts on GNC people who are still in the closet but thinking about coming out? Where should they go and who should they talk to?
Tate: This is a tricky one, but I'd say that one should only come out if they know they'll be safe. Sometimes it's hard to tell because parents/friends may not be openly LBGT-phobic and may actually support the community. I'd say only come out when you know for sure that they will support you, especially if you live with people who have the power to kick you out if they don't accept you. I know that first world countries, like the US and Canada have many different organizations that provide support for those who are queer, so my advice would be to find those organizations and ask for help.
39. Persephone: Similarly, for those thinking about doing sex work for the first time, where is a good place to start with that; i.e., what advice would you give to those starting out based on your own experiences?
Tate: I'd say to go for it, if it's something you really wish to do. Simply avoid using real names or revealing information about yourself because you would not want to be doxxed. I'd say set realistic expectations as well. Unless you have another platform that is SFW and you have a huge following, you won't necessarily make bank as soon as you open your OnlyFans account. Not impossible, just harder. Also don't take yourself too seriously, have fun and try to take it step by step.
40a1. Persephone: What's your idea of the perfect date? The ideal fuck? Do you have an ideal experience of either you'd like to share?
Tate: The ideal date for me is sitting under the stars and stargazing while just having silly and/or deep conversations, going on a picnic date, or a cat café perhaps. I am a hopeless romantic after all. Hmm, the perfect fuck would basically be the bare minimum of us both finishing (all the hookups I have had were cis men who only focused on their orgasms and after that happened, the sex was over). Ideally, that's why I'd wait until I get into a romantic relationship for sex again, because with random hookups I'm far too nervous and can't get properly aroused, plus because of my anxiety, I don't communicate what I like/don't like to the other person. As of right now, I can't think of any particular experience.
40a2. Persephone: What's your wildest/most enjoyable sexual encounter (e.g., sex in public, in the kitchen while the roomies are home, etc)?
Tate: Nothing too crazy, but I've had sex with my partner's brother in his room (two doors over). We used to hear him having sex, so he probably heard us a few times too. I would like risky sex, like a quick public fuck or having sex in every room of the house we just bought.
40b. Persephone: For you, what's the cutest thing a partner can do, in bed or out? For example, my partner Bay loves it when new partners come really fast/are having their first time PIV with Bay. Consent, intimacy and affection are all really sexy and fun for Bay. How about you?
Tate: The cutest thing a partner can do is just the simple things, holding the door for me, gifting me flowers, writing me a love note. I'd say that my love language is gift giving. Mostly to give others gifts, but also to receive gifts too and not in a materialistic way, but for me, it warms my heart when I give someone a gift and I see them regularly using it (like a phone case or something, no matter how small it is). As someone who really enjoys sex, I find that it's the romantic, non-sexual things that make me happy rather than the sexual things itself. Because they tend to have a deeper meaning for me.
40c. Persephone: What are your thoughts on consensual voyeurism and exhibitionism as educational/entertaining acts? Does being able to be more open and communicative help us learn from each other to see each other as human and also what to watch out for/what to challenge at a systemic level?
Tate: I think that once the people being educated by it have consented, I don't see why not. Any act that's between consenting adults should be fine and not looked down upon. Honestly I think it's a great idea because some people are just visual learners, and some things like showing where the clit is is easier done if demonstrated in real life (or maybe that's just the exhibitionist inside me). I think that being more open/communicative can help us learn from each other because we can say our likes and dislikes so everyone involved can enjoy whatever is going on. What to watch out for/what to challenge at a systemic level is how conservatives would view voyeurism.
41a. Persephone: Does fucking to music, roleplay and other theatrical elements make sex better?
Tate: I think so, yes. Overall, I think great sex is as a result of good communication. For example, the things I had enjoyable sex was with my then partner, whom I was comfortable with, and so communication came easy. With random hookups, I get too anxious and there is little to no communication, so the sex is mediocre at best.
43. Persephone: Connections between sex workers and clients is often discrete under capital. Can a degree of friendship and intimacy make for a better relationship between the two?
Tate: Oh yes, I definitely agree that if there was a better relationship between sex workers and capital, that there may be less taboo about the whole thing. Or maybe not, but at least sex workers would have rights under the law books.
44. Persephone: For people struggling with gender expectations like being the right size or pleasing one's partner and enjoying oneself, is there anything you might recommend?
Tate: As someone who struggles with this, I'd say that you're hella valid (cheesy, but so true). What I'd recommended (to myself and others) is to stop comparing yourself to others.
45. Persephone: How does it feel being your true self, despite the risks of gay panic and similar moral panics in America and around the world?
Tate: For me, I fear more about people finding out my gender than my sexuality. I feel like any bigot finding out either is potentially dangerous for me, but I get the impression that I'd be doxxed more/more intensely if they found out I am a trans man. Basically I don't mind telling people that I'm bisexual, but I tend to hold back on disclosing my gender identity. Not that I always fear that I'll get beaten up, but it's something that when spoke, cannot be taken back. Most people would all of a sudden start calling me a woman or asking invasive questions, I don't want that, so I remain stealth unless it's another trans person. I don't live in the States, but it seems like there is still a lot of transphobia around the world. Apart from internalized transphobia, I don't wish to be treated differently when people find out that I'm trans.
46. Persephone: Is there anything else you'd like to say or add before we conclude?
Tate: I just hope that we can move away from LGBT-phobia, especially people treating transgender people differently just because of their identities. We are all humans, and we all bleed the same.
47. Persephone: Thanks for taking the time to answer these questions, both of you; and also, for working on Sex Positivity with me. If people want to follow you both, where can they follow you and support what you do?
Tate: Thank you! They can follow me on my Reddit (BonitoBurrito98), my Twitter (xcumbaby98), and my Bluesky (xcumbaby98.bsky.social)
***
Persephone van der Waard is the author of the multi-volume, non-profit book series, Sex Positivity—its art director, sole invigilator, illustrator and primary editor (the other co-writer/co-editor being Bay Ryan). Persephone has her independent PhD in Gothic poetics and ludo-Gothic BDSM (focusing on partially on Metroidvania), and is a MtF trans woman, anti-fascist, atheist/Satanist, poly/pan kinkster, erotic artist/pornographer and anarcho-Communist with two partners. Including multiple playmates/friends and collaborators, Persephone and her many muses work/play together on Sex Positivity and on her artwork at large as a sex-positive force. That being said, she still occasionally writes reviews, Gothic analyses, and interviews for fun on her old blog (and makes YouTube videos talking about politics). To learn more about Persephone's academic/activist work and larger portfolio, go to her About the Author page. To purchase illustrated or written material from Persephone (thus support the work she does), please refer to her commissions page for more information. Any money Persephone earns through commissions goes towards helping sex workers through the Sex Positivity project; i.e., by paying costs and funding shoots, therefore raising awareness. Likewise, Persephone accepts donations for the project, which you can send directly to her PayPal, Ko-Fi, Patreon or CashApp. Every bit helps!
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